Dear World,

I am writing this to clear up a few things.

My son is a remarkable, bright and gifted young man. He has triumphed over more things in his short life than the majority of the people I know ever will. We made the decision to send him to his new school this year because it was the best place for him.

My son has learning differences that made teaching him in a typical learning environment a challenge. He had some good teachers who went above and beyond at his public school. He had others that shoved him to the side and fed him answers to make it look like he was learning and improve their test scores. Because of these teachers, my son began to believe he was dumb.

He deserved better than that.

His new school is designed to teach kids just like my son. Kids who are smart, but learn differently and therefore can't learn in their public school. In fact, you have to be smart to get into this school. They don't take kids who can't be taught. They take kids who are "unteachable" by public education standards.

At my son's school, he is learning that he is smart. He is doing at least grade level work in most subjects and quickly catching up in those his isn't. He isn't the different one in the class, he's the norm. He is making friends, playing sports and loving life. He is happy.

So, World, when you stop and ask me about my son or his school, please do not think that he is "dumb" or "severe" or "slow." Do not patronize me because you feel bad that my son can't go to school with his neighborhood friends. Do not think of him as anything other than what he is, amazing.

Sincerely,

His very proud mom

PS - I'll blog about Thanksgiving later. I just had to get that off my chest.

Squirrel Boy

For years we have thought Jason was part-squirrel. He scurries around, picks things up to store away and has about the same attention span. He shoots up trees and is hyperaware of all around him. Also, he LOVES to point them out to us. Seriously, mid-sentence exclamations of "SQUIRREL!!" are very common here.

Well last night, while looking for something in Jason's room, we came across this:

Did I mention he collects acorns?

And, apparently, he can open them as well.

Craziness.

The doctors may call it ADHD, Autism and the like. But around here we know the truth.

Adoption Myth

The world would like to think that when you adopt a child you press a reset button on their life and all that happened before will be forgotten.

This is so not the case.

If you think about your own life and how it's shaped who your are, you know that it's all a culmination of what your life was like before. Yet society expects children to forget about their lives before their adoption. "But he's so much better off" or "How can he possibly love those people" or "Why would he want to remember that" and so on.

I can't tell you how many people ask me if Jason ever talks about his life before us. If he ever mentions his brother, foster family or birth-mom. And when I say yes, we talk about them a lot actually, I get some very shocked looks. Yes, he was only 4 at the time, but those 4 years are pretty powerful. More happened in his first 4 years than happens in most adults first 20. He can't forget them or bury them and to do so would be dishonoring Jason and his past. And expecting him to would be telling him that we only love part of him, not all of him.

All of the experiences a person goes through in their life, whether young or old, shapes how we see the world, interact with it and cope with what life hands us. The same is true with children who are adopted. And to expect different if to say your life didn't matter before your life here started.

Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad's birthday.

I don't think I can say how old he is since we weren't even allowed to celebrate last year when he hit a certain milestone.

Still, it's his birthday and to celebrate we're giving him and my mom our 3 rambunctious kids for an overnight.

I know, not quite the celebration you would imagine, but my Dad has always been the type of guy who would do unto others before he would himself.

Eleven years ago, my Dad was having another birthday and this one was another of those milestones and he didn't mind celebrating it. And he did, only he did it at our rehearsal dinner.

You see in our quest to finds a date and a church that didn't fall on an OSU football Saturday, we picked November 20. One day after my Dad's birthday. Only it was March and we didn't put 2 and 2 together. And he never said a word.

It wasn't until much later that I realized what we had done. He said he didn't mind, he just wanted us to have our big day and so on. I minded though. It was much to late to move everything so we ordered a cake and surprised him with a party at our rehearsal dinner. He was surprised and thankfully I now will always remember his birthday.

Which leads us back to tonight and me dumping the kids with him.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. 11 years.

Getting out to celebrate has always been hard for us since we had kids. My parents are really our only sitters and I know we're lucky because many special needs parents don't have anyone. My parents friends are taking my Dad out to eat Saturday night, so they gave us tonight.

My Dad was always the type of dad who put his kids first. It's probably why I married Andy because he's the same way.

Tonight, my Dad will watch hours of Scooby-Doo, listen to countless squeals and see his orderly home slowly come undone. He won't mind though. He never does. Even on his birthday.

So, happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

Massive Update

I've been away for over 9 months now. A lot has been happening in our family. I thought it might be a good idea to bring everything up-to-date before I plow forward.

Micah is still doing well. He played soccer in the spring and spent most of the summer swimming. He's really making great progress in OT and we're seeing his start to eat more and more. In fact, a few weeks ago Micah finally allowed food to touch and ate his first ever peanut butter and jelly sandwich. Since then, he's eaten one nearly every day.

Hannah finished up preschool and plowed right on into full-day kindergarten this fall. She's still dancing and playing soccer. She's also reading and writing up a storm. One of our biggest challenges is that because everything comes so easily to Hannah, she thinks she can do everything without us. It's hard to keep her challenged and grounded at the same time.

Jason finished up his year at public school hoping he was going to a new school. After his last day though, we got a call from our first choice school and found out that Jason got IN! This was the school we really wanted him in and what a difference it has made. My son is confident, learning better social skills and behaviors and has mad amazing progress academically. He reads constantly and his writing is getting so much better. He played flag football with them this fall which was awesome. Jason hasn't been able to do a true team sport in years.

Andy had back surgery a month after I last posted. They fused his S1/L5/L4. Four days in the hospital and 3 and 1/2 months off work. He's feeling 100% better since his surgery and is so much happier. He's looking to finish school soon so he's researching masters programs.

As for me, I pretty much took care of everyone. The kids, my husband and sometimes my parents. My life changed a lot when Michael died and then even more as the summer progressed. I learned a lot about myself and am mostly just putting my all into my job...mom.

It's been a while...

..since I last posted. I could blame it on being busy or not having time to write. But the truth is that I had so much to say that I couldn't get my thoughts together. It's still a bit like that, but I realize that writing is something I love and even as busy as my life is, I have lots to say.

I want talk about raising special needs kids. I want to talk about raising a gifted one. I have stuff to say about suicide and mental illness and what it's like to have those things as a part of your life. I want to tell the world about how God saw me through that last 10 years and how I know He'll see me through the next. I have stuff to say and this is where I want to say it.

I'm back.

Ramblings

I've been staring at this blinking cursor for a few minutes now trying to get the jumbled thoughts in my head straightened out. I just can't seem to though. I think that is part of my problem right now. My brain won't shut off and I can't seem to organize my thoughts unless I have a specific task to do.

Get Jason off to school. Check.

Feed Hannah and Micah. Check.

Wander the house aimlessly and talk of the phone with nothing to say...got that one down, too.

I told my friend, Jenny, that this feels like when I'm getting depressed and my medication needs adjusting. Only it doesn't need adjusting because this is real sadness, not one brought on by a chemical imbalance. And I am so very sad. Even though Mike wasn't part of my everyday life, he was part of my everyday thoughts and prayers. He is still, only now filled with regrets and sorrow.

I wish I had called. What if I had. Why didn't I. These thoughts jumble in my mind and tear me up. Nothing will bring him back. I know this. I have peace in Christ as to what happened and why and where he is now. But I still live in this fallen world and my mind keeps trying to make sense of it.

I'm not sleeping either. I know this is also normal, but it makes it even harder to function. We've also had at least one child up at night for the last month which isn't helping either. Micah and Hannah are having nightmares. Jason is too, only he isn't crawling in bed with us at 3am. I haven't been this sleep deprived since we had a newborn in the house.

I am searching for a counselor now. These last few weeks has stirred up so much in me that I know I need to get it out. Mike had been on me about doing this, but I kept putting it off. He knew it was important which is why he was seeing one as well. He'd be telling me it's about time if he was here to tell.

Micah is turning 4 two weeks from tomorrow. He wants a Star Wars party. He'll get one, too. It's just hard to fathom that Mike is going to not be there especially since he loved Star Wars so much. It will be hard to celebrate when someone is missing. But we will. Because Micah will demand it. "A cake and a party and presents, Mommy!" He's so full of joy at turning 4. My kids are a constant reminder of how life moves forward even when it feels like it's stopped.

And the world keeps turning...

Last week my world ground to a sudden and tragic halt.

This week it's starting to move again.

Regardless of my grief and everything we are dealing with now, the school year keeps moving forward. I had to reschedule a bunch of school appointments and they started again yesterday.

Jason did his pre-admission testing for the new school yesterday. It was mainly to see where he was with his language skills and see where some of his learning issues are. I think it went well, but it's so hard to know for sure.

I really liked being at the school and seeing the interactions between the staff and the kids. You can really tell a lot about a school that way. The school is putting on a play and I was able to listen to them rehearse The teachers were all excited and happy and there were still a fair number of kids there. Everyone was friendly and happy to be doing what ever it was they were doing.

So now we wait. The school is heading to spring break next week so I don't expect the admissions committee to meet until after. But at this point, we are done jumping through hoops (I hope) and just need to be patient.

My brother was really excited that we found this school for Jason and wanted him to get in. I wanted to call him last night and tell him. I couldn't though, but I know he knew.

Moving forward

It's been a week now. Yesterday actually.

Everyone's gone home, back to their lives, back to their families. The world keeps spinning, but for us it still seems to stand still.

My kids are back in school, but where before I would run errands and do all those mom things I do. Now I get ready and head to my parents to help with, well, everything. We are 7 where we once were 8. There is a hole and although we rest in the arms of God through all of this, the pain still hurts.

Last week, I was the strong one. This week I find myself falling apart as soon as I finish my tasks for the day. Last night I sobbed through dinner and afterwards and sobbed some more when we brought the kids home to get ready for bed. I'll probably do the same today.

Yesterday, my parents took his cats to the vet and had them checked out. Today we are hoping they come out of his old room.

I know I have to keep moving forward and I know I will. But I'm also struggling with the day to day. I find myself hugging my kids more and reminding them how precious they are to each other.

Watching their grief has been hard. It's so very real to them, but children process it differently. Micah is in denial that Uncle Mike was his uncle. He will say he was my brother and his siblings uncle, but he keep saying, "My uncle did NOT die." I worry that someday the only memory he will hold is pictures and stories we tell.

Hannah has shut herself up a bit. She talks about it with us, but is mostly just sad and wants to cuddle with everyone. My little girl who was working so hard to be independent last week, his constantly sitting on laps and holding hands.

Jason's grief has been the hardest to watch. He's older and so we were honest about the circumstances of his death. He also asked us point blank about some particulars I hadn't wanted to share, but he demanded that truth. Those are hard conversations to have with a 10 year old. But they are necessary one. I learned of my uncle's suicide at his funeral by over hearing conversations. I didn't want that for him.

Today is another day in my new world. I know I will get through it. I know God is carrying us all. But it's strange. I'm living in a world without my Michael.

Michael

33 years ago, my very pregnant mother asked me if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I remember clearly telling her I wanted a little brother. Later, I joke it was because I didn't want to share my toys, but the truth was that I really wanted a brother to play with. And that's what I got. A little brother who would become my friend and ally growing up.

Michael was a wicked smart and funny man. He was generous with his time and his love. He loved his family and friends greatly, and often gave much of himself to help them. He also struggled, much like I do, with depression. It was something he was open with and his support system at home often cared for him and checked in on him during the harder times. This last 6 months were hard though. He struggled with his medication and had been on 4 different ones in 6 months. Last week, his doctor doubled his dose on the latest one he was trying. Six days later, my baby brother did something I could never imagine him doing and took his own life.

I know that it wasn't my brother who did it, but rather someone suffering from a massive chemical imbalance which separated perception from reality in his mind. We believe the downhill spiral took less than 48 hours to complete itself. Then it was over and his suffering ended.

Yesterday over 200 people came out in love, support and remembrance. We shared in our tears and our laughter as we remembered Mike. I think my brother appreciated the service we planned. One including gathering music of Weezer, Tom Petty and Queen and slide show of his life put to the music of Weird Al.

I know that someday I will see my brother again. I know that he will watch my kids grown up from heaven and watch over them. I know that with Christ, I can get through this.

But I also know that my heart is broken, that my children are crying and that my life here on earth will never be the same again.

Michael, I love you and I miss you. I'll see you again someday and when I do, know that I am not angry, I am just sad it ended too soon.

My Brother

Right now it is just too difficult to write about what happened. I loved my brother and miss him with my whole heart.

Michael Carter, 33, of Toledo, and formerly of Worthington, passed away Monday, March 8, 2010. Mike was born January 25, 1977 in Columbus to Ben and Elaine (Newman) Carter. He was a 1995 graduate of Thomas Worthington High School and a graduate of Bowling Green University. For the past 10 years, Mike has been working as a Market Research Analyst for TNS in Toledo. Mike was known for his quick wit and sarcasm. He had many close friends with whom he would do anything for, and especially enjoyed spending time with his niece, nephews and friend's children. He was very caring and loving, and his generosity and big heart will always be cherished by those closest to him. Mike enjoyed playing video games with his friends, collecting comic books and action figures, and was an avid Star Wars and Boston Red Sox fan. Preceded in death by his paternal grandparents LaVerne and Ben Edwards and uncle Herbert Mullins. Michael will be missed by his parents, Elaine and Ben Carter, Jr.; sister, Jennifer (Andy) Fenner; maternal grandmother, Iris Newman; niece and nephews, Jason, Micah, and Hannah Fenner; numerous aunt, uncles, and cousins, and his cats, Hammy and Boo. A Celebration of Michael's Life will be 2 p.m. Saturday, March 13, 2010 at Sawmill Covenant Church, 8794 Big Bear Ave., in Powell, OH. Private burial at a later date in Kingwood Memorial Park. Contributions may be made in Mike's memory to Ohio's Suicide Prevention Foundation, 325 Stillman Hall, 1947 College Rd., Columbus, OH, 43210. Arrangements entrusted to SCHOEDINGER WORTHINGTON CHAPEL, (614) 848-6699. To view Mike's video tribute or offer condolences, visit www.schoedinger.com.

A Perfect Storm

Sometimes, when your kid has a bad day you can go back and analyze it and figure out all the places things went wrong that cause the problem.

Well, yesterday we experienced a perfect storm, Jason-style.

Because Micah is sick and Hannah is recovering, I made arrangements for Jason to walk home with the daughters of our friends. Jason has walked with them in the past on occasion and while it isn't the best situation, it works most of the time. In fact, we walked friday of last week without a single problem.

Although yesterday the fourth grade celebrated Ohio's birthday by eating lots and lots of Ohio made food. All of it contained processed sugars and chemicals. Stuff we don't feed Jason. Stuff his brain reacts, um, poorly too. In my defense, I misread the sheet and thought the party was Friday. Still, it was not a good thing for Jason.

Add to the food, changing Jason's routine. Although he is a normally flexible enough guy to handle this, routine changes do increase his anxiety.

And then, as they walked away from the school, someone hit him with a snowball. A kid who has been unkind to Jason in the past. A kid Jason who bullies him.

Jason yelled in anger and went after the kid. His friend tried to stop him by grabbing his coat, thus causing Jason to feel like he was choking. This was bad. Unbeknownst to the girl, this is a HUGE PTSD trigger for Jason. What followed was not pretty.

For the remainder of the 25 minute walk home, Jason yelled, pushed, tackled and threw snow at every kid he felt was bullying him or had in the past. The boys also yelled, pushed, tackled and threw snow at him. It appears that while Jason was the first to make thing physical, the other boys certainly played their part. It was not a good thing.

Also, remember how I talked about Jason's Autism and his inability to read situations or respond to them. Jason was yelling things that didn't even make sense, things he had heard on TV, making it funnier for the kids going after him.

When Jason did get home, I could tell something was up, but it took quite a while to decode it and get to the bottom of everything. His PTSD reaction means he only has vague images and recollections of what occurred after the coat was pulled. Of course, we were upset because he knows not to fight like that. But once we pieced everything together, we began to see things in a bit differently. In fact, it was this morning when clarity set in, that I realized while my son's response was wrong, the situation with the school has reached ridiculous proportions.

So, I started making phone calls and writing emails. I became Super Activist Mom and spent the majority of the day with a phone on my ear and a keyboard under my fingers.

I heard back from the school we are considering to learn that Jason made it to the final phase of the selection process and we should have a decision after they complete some testing and meet with the committee.

I spoke with two more Autism specific programs in town and have appointments made to tour their schools and meet with the administration.

I requested a revision on his ETR to qualify him under Autism instead of OHI so we can access more services.

I am asking that transportation be added to his IEP because he cannot travel to and from school safely like his peers.

There is a lot still pending and a lot of decisions to be made in the coming month, but at least now we have a plan.

Another tooth?

Hannah's due diligence at wiggling has paid off. This afternoon the last of her loose teeth fell out, leaving her with an adorable gap toothed smile. I just can't beleive that my baby girl is growing up so fast.

Calling Dr. Mom

I though you would all enjoy a look at what my life looks like at bed time. All of these (except for the vitamins) are repeated at various points throughout the day and night. Modern medicine is a great thing, but a bit scary at times as well.

A Tale of Three Children

Hannah's surgery went very well. Despite her fears, she was a real trooper through it all. In fact, when she woke up she didn't cry and simply went back to wiggling her tooth. So fervently that it ended up falling right out. Her look of delayed surprise was priceless. And I do mean delayed because the reason she felt so good was all the stuff they pumped in her. It took her a couple seconds to realized what she had done.

She's resting right now on the sofa, surrounded by all her favorite things, watching a movie, sipping on juice and eating goldfish. She's happy as a clam.

That is not the case with Micah who woke up this morning after a very bad night's sleep. He'd spiked a fever of 102 and was completely lethargic. So, Andy took him to the pediatricians (Love you Dr. Anne!) who quickly diagnosed him as having pneumonia and strep throat. Poor kids feels horrible and looks even worse.

He's also on the couch, though not nearly as happy as Hannah. We're struggling to get his body to stop coughing enough that he can rest and his fever isn't really coming down very well. We're hoping the antibiotics kick in soon because this is a little scary.

Micah was supposed to sleep over at grandma's tonight and then head to Disney on Ice in the morning. Obviously he can't go and given the complete lack of attention Jason is going to get here, we shipped him off to grandma's instead. he's under strict instructions to have fun, but to not share the fun with his siblings. Too high a risk of weeping and gnashing of teeth with that one.

So, here we are with one recovering kid, one sick kid and one missing kid. It's likely to be a very long weekend with lots of runs to the store, drink refills and very little sleep for the adults. Wasn't this supposed to get easier as they got older?

Tonsils and Schools and Chores, Oh My!

Our lives are just plain busy. Next week is March, bringing with it Andy's birthday which means Micah's is close behind. I still need to rotate the 2 bedrooms which including painting them both. Our Dave Ramsey class is continuing to go well, but it's a LOT of work right now. Laundry is piling up and really need to find the surface of my desk again. Needless to say, I've been struggling to find time to blog.

Jason had his full day trial at the new school on Tuesday. He said it went well and he really, really liked it. I hear a lot about the kids, the gecko and the gym. I also heard a little about the classes, but, well, he's a 10yo boy and felt he had already covered everything that was important.

The admissions director gave me good feedback when I picked him up, but nothing concrete yet about if he gets in yet or not. She is supposed to call me sometime later today or tomorrow and let me know if we move forward to the testing phase, so I am a nervous wreck every time the phone rings. Still, we are moving closer and closer to the end of the process and with each step I am holding a bit more hope.

Hannah tonsils will be exiting stage right tomorrow. It's a much needed and long awaited surgery that has my little girl all tied up in knots. She was just fine this morning until she realized that tomorrow is the day. I know she's afraid of the pain so we bought a bunch of popsicles, puddings and ice cream to soothe her throat afterwards. I have a feeling she'll be just fine and going stir crazy in a few days. Still, it's going to be a long day tomorrow with lots of tears from us both. I'll post an update tomorrow afternoon when it's over.

Our class has showed us how important it os for our kids to learn how to handle money now rather than in the future like us, so taking some ideas from Dave Ramsey, we started the kids on a chore chart. Lots of basic stuff them need to do and a bunch of stuff they can get paid to do. then we help them divide it each week into Spend, Save and Give envelopes. Hannah is taking to this with gusto, counting off her checkmarks and looking for more to do at every turn. Micah is enjoying it, but he has the attention span of a gnat, so we might get half the bed made before he wanders away. Although on payday he certainly is engaged because he likes his "monies."

Jason is the one who is driving me to distraction with his chores. He's decided that half done is good enough. Um, sorry. NO. Then I just make you redo it and take away some privileges. I've also started offering up his pay chores to his brother and sister which he doesn't seem to mind right now. Of course, that may change when he realizes I was serious about him paying them for doing the chore.

Oh, and things are moving forward on the adoption front. We decided to pursue adoption from the foster care system. It will be like it was with Jason, a straight adoption without being foster parents. We were thinking about that but decided that the cost to our kids was too high right now. Surprisingly, I haven't had much flack outside of the training department at our county about the age range we are looking at. Because we will not adopt out of birth order, we need to find a child 3 or under. A couple people I have spoken with have been very encouraging. I think us being experienced adoptive parents makes a big difference. We know more of what to expect from a child in care and how to deal with the long term ramifications of drug and alcohol exposures, abuse and neglect. So, training starts in July and depending on the back log, we will hopefully be licensed by Christmas.

A Brief Education on My Son's Autism

Autism Spectrum Disorder encompasses a wide range of disorders and diagnoses, each with varying severity, including Autistic disorder ("classic" autism), Aspergers Syndrome, and Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified, or PDD-NOS. This means that you can have kids who are both extremely severe or really mild with the same diagnosis. Jason's actual diagnosis is Pervasive Development Disorder, Not Otherwise Specified. What does that mean? Let me tell you.

In Jason's case, he has a complete disconnect socially. While he wants friends, he can't read facial expression or tone. Sarcasm is completely lost on him and he cannot distinguish the nuances of relationships or conversation. He may jump into a conversation at an inappropriate point, say something completely unrelated or take a joke too far. He's also quite literal with what he hears so when you say to him angrily, "I dare you to do that again!" he will. He fidgits and touches things and doesn't always have the best personal space awareness.

Because of all of this, he doesn't relate well with his peers or older kids. At this point, kids younger by a few years seem to be okay with him. I think they have more social tolerance at this age and as they are still learning the social rules themselves and are just less into talking and more into playing. Jason's peers aren't so understanding. Because he looks normal, they expect him to act normal. And if they have known him more than a year or two, they are even less understanding because he used to be normal. He wasn't. He just wasn't abnormal enough to be diagnosed.

Jason's reaching an age where kids have a greater understanding of their place in society and how they want to be perceived and so far, most don't want to be perceived at being his friend. This hurts Jason a lot. A common misconception is that Autistic kids can't feel emotions, but the truth is that they feel them quite deeply. He doesn't understand why the kid who played catch with him at baseball practice ignores him and laughs at him at school. He doesn't get why he's told he can't sit down with a kid at lunch. And he really doesn't understand why no one wants to play with him even in his own neighborhood.

Differences like these make it very easy for Jason, and others like him, to be picked on or bullied by people who are uninformed or uneducated about Autism or similar disorders. The fact that he doesn't always know or understand when he's being picked on often will make him a perpetual target.

So, here is my request. I know there are a few people who read this who have kids who know Jason from school or church. And if you don't, but know someone who does, please feel free to forward this on. I don't want people to force their kids to be his friend. I would simply like that if you have a child who knows my son that you take a moment to educate them a little on these differences to make Jason's next contact with them a positive one. I think that most kids just don't know what to make of him and without meaning to, hurt his feelings. I'm praying that a little bit of education can go a long way.

Thank you.

Forgiveness

Every time I think I have a handle on my feelings about what happened to Jason before he came home to me, something comes out of the blue and bites me.

Over the years, I've come to terms with Jason's birth mom and her choices. They were not choices I would make, but I also understand better now how someone in her circumstance with her background could have ended up in the situation she did. I do not believe she every meant any malice or harm for Jason. It was, sadly, more a lack of education and ability. I've cried many a tear thinking about how the choices she made and the pain she might be feeling over his loss.

It's his foster family that I haven't come to grips with yet. And last night, while looking at the Facebook page for our county agency, I ran across Jason's foster mother.

Without going into detail, lets just say that for at least the bulk of Jason's time in their home, that Jason was little more than a mouth to feed with a paycheck. Harsh, I know, but I have tons of assessments, teacher's notes and doctor's examines that point many of Jason's struggles to "gross environmental neglect." At 4, he spoke fewer than 50 words, had one 3 word sentence ("Pick up me") and was so emotionally shut down that he left the only home he had ever known without shedding a tear. The only early intervention he ever received was at age 1 and he did not finish the program. Although there are notes from his teachers expressing concerns about his "home environment." The last record of him attending that program was when he was 16mo. He moved into our home just after his 4th birthday.

I feel angry for him. For the time he lost and the hurt he endured. This isn't someone with limited resources or assistance. This is foster parent in a major metropolitan area. Resources abound in the area of early intervention. If it was too much, they could have allowed him to move to a home where they could get him the help he needed. Oh, and lets not forget the blind eye they turned the abuse going on in their home. Anyway, seeing her name and Facebook photo set a knot in my stomach and an ache in my heart. Obviously this is something I need to work on, especially if we plan to be re-certified with the agency this year. There is a chance I could run into her and I need to come to grips with this first and fast.

Forgiveness.

I know we are called to it, but I guess I am still having a hard time with this one. I bear her no ill will for the things she did to me after he moved, but to hurt my son in the way she did, I just can't seem to get over that.

Cleaning Day

Given the weather outside, we figured it was the perfect day to clean out the fridge. Although I think the kids are a little disturbed by seeing an empty fridge and a full porch.

How to wear out your kid before bed....

I think the video says it all, don't you?