Returning

No, I haven't gone anywhere.  I just disappeared into the lovely holiday madness we have around here.  Since I last posted, Micah has had 3 more ear infections, Hannah's taught herself to read and Jason started a rapid spiral down that finally hit bottom a few days after Christmas.  Those are both fairly normal things for this time of year around here, but it still doesn't leave me much time to write although I probably had plenty to say.

That said, Micah is getting a 3rd set of ear tubes in a couple of weeks.  Looking back, I realized that for the last 4 winters, he will have had surgery on his ears 3 time starting when he was 8 months old.  We got a reprieve from the whole thing las year as his tubes were still in and functional.  They fell out in July and his ears have proven they just can't handle things on their own yet.

On the plus side, this should mean he can hear me again, be able to talk quieter and no longer need dose after dose of antibiotics.  And yes, I know research shows that ear infections in children over 2 don't need to be treated with antibiotics, but my son has blown his ear drums out no less than 3 times each.  I'm a bit paranoid about it.  He's already testing with borderline hearing loss in both ears so we need to really be proactive hear.  Micah's making this easier too because he can now tell us when his ear hurts and is willingly letting doctors look at them.

As I said, Jason did his standard holiday crash and burn.  I could list a hundred reasons WHY he does this.  The short of it is he has a tough life and the holidays don't make it any easier.  We did all our usual things to help him but nothing seemed to work this year.  He was determined to see just how far he could push things. It culminated one evening shortly after Christmas with his declaring he didn't need any of us and wanted to go back to his foster home.  All of this is a lie, of course.  He doesn't want to leave but he was hurting so badly and didn't know what to do with everything inside him, so he lashed out at the safest people in his life, Andy and I.

I am not immune to emotions, exhaustion or general holiday stress and my own stuff coupled with the weeks of venom Jason was spitting at me pushed me to brink as well.  I ended up in tears.  Then he was in tears because he made me cry.  Then he finally started wailing about all that was inside of him.  He feels stupid and mad and abandoned and worthless and unlovable.  So, of course, it made sense to him to take all that out on the people who tell him he is the opposite.  We're his safe people, his family.  And once he finally let it all out, we were able to refill him with all the good stuff we can and talk through so much of his wrong thinking.

Once it was out, it was a near complete 180.  He started cooperating again, helping out around the house, being kind and smiling.  Thankfully, we had therapy just a couple of days later and were able to process this all some more.  Still, it's hard as a mom to get that good of a look at how your kid really feels about himself.  We've been working hard to correct it for years and while he knows that in our family, he is none of those things, I think he still feels it's how the world sees him.

Hannah just seems to sail through all of this.  I say seems, because I know that it is hard on her to have a little brother who is constantly sick and an older brother who, well, is so needy.  She's continuing on her quest to finish kindergarten before she even gets there.  She's constantly wanting me to teach her.  We do math and reading.  Over Christmas, she learned to tell time on a digital clock, read Green Eggs and Ham and basic addition.  Couple that with her desire to just do everything on her own and she is growing up way to fast for my liking.

Life is settling back down.  The kids are all back in school today and I get a Mom Retreat this weekend with 3 of my friends in Chicago.  It's fun when a group of moms all raising similar kids get together.  We can laugh (and cry) about thing no one else can.  I'm looking forward to going, although I will miss Andy and the kids while I am gone.

That said, it's good to be back to blogging.