Tuesday, March 16, 2010

Moving forward

It's been a week now. Yesterday actually.
Everyone's gone home, back to their lives, back to their families. The world keeps spinning, but for us it still seems to stand still.
My kids are back in school, but where before I would run errands and do all those mom things I do. Now I get ready and head to my parents to help with, well, everything. We are 7 where we once were 8. There is a hole and although we rest in the arms of God through all of this, the pain still hurts.
Last week, I was the strong one. This week I find myself falling apart as soon as I finish my tasks for the day. Last night I sobbed through dinner and afterwards and sobbed some more when we brought the kids home to get ready for bed. I'll probably do the same today.
Yesterday, my parents took his cats to the vet and had them checked out. Today we are hoping they come out of his old room.
I know I have to keep moving forward and I know I will. But I'm also struggling with the day to day. I find myself hugging my kids more and reminding them how precious they are to each other.
Watching their grief has been hard. It's so very real to them, but children process it differently. Micah is in denial that Uncle Mike was his uncle. He will say he was my brother and his siblings uncle, but he keep saying, "My uncle did NOT die." I worry that someday the only memory he will hold is pictures and stories we tell.
Hannah has shut herself up a bit. She talks about it with us, but is mostly just sad and wants to cuddle with everyone. My little girl who was working so hard to be independent last week, his constantly sitting on laps and holding hands.
Jason's grief has been the hardest to watch. He's older and so we were honest about the circumstances of his death. He also asked us point blank about some particulars I hadn't wanted to share, but he demanded that truth. Those are hard conversations to have with a 10 year old. But they are necessary one. I learned of my uncle's suicide at his funeral by over hearing conversations. I didn't want that for him.
Today is another day in my new world. I know I will get through it. I know God is carrying us all. But it's strange. I'm living in a world without my Michael.
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