Happy Birthday, Dad!

Today is my Dad's birthday.

I don't think I can say how old he is since we weren't even allowed to celebrate last year when he hit a certain milestone.

Still, it's his birthday and to celebrate we're giving him and my mom our 3 rambunctious kids for an overnight.

I know, not quite the celebration you would imagine, but my Dad has always been the type of guy who would do unto others before he would himself.

Eleven years ago, my Dad was having another birthday and this one was another of those milestones and he didn't mind celebrating it. And he did, only he did it at our rehearsal dinner.

You see in our quest to finds a date and a church that didn't fall on an OSU football Saturday, we picked November 20. One day after my Dad's birthday. Only it was March and we didn't put 2 and 2 together. And he never said a word.

It wasn't until much later that I realized what we had done. He said he didn't mind, he just wanted us to have our big day and so on. I minded though. It was much to late to move everything so we ordered a cake and surprised him with a party at our rehearsal dinner. He was surprised and thankfully I now will always remember his birthday.

Which leads us back to tonight and me dumping the kids with him.

Our anniversary is tomorrow. 11 years.

Getting out to celebrate has always been hard for us since we had kids. My parents are really our only sitters and I know we're lucky because many special needs parents don't have anyone. My parents friends are taking my Dad out to eat Saturday night, so they gave us tonight.

My Dad was always the type of dad who put his kids first. It's probably why I married Andy because he's the same way.

Tonight, my Dad will watch hours of Scooby-Doo, listen to countless squeals and see his orderly home slowly come undone. He won't mind though. He never does. Even on his birthday.

So, happy birthday, Dad. I love you.

Ramblings

I've been staring at this blinking cursor for a few minutes now trying to get the jumbled thoughts in my head straightened out. I just can't seem to though. I think that is part of my problem right now. My brain won't shut off and I can't seem to organize my thoughts unless I have a specific task to do.

Get Jason off to school. Check.

Feed Hannah and Micah. Check.

Wander the house aimlessly and talk of the phone with nothing to say...got that one down, too.

I told my friend, Jenny, that this feels like when I'm getting depressed and my medication needs adjusting. Only it doesn't need adjusting because this is real sadness, not one brought on by a chemical imbalance. And I am so very sad. Even though Mike wasn't part of my everyday life, he was part of my everyday thoughts and prayers. He is still, only now filled with regrets and sorrow.

I wish I had called. What if I had. Why didn't I. These thoughts jumble in my mind and tear me up. Nothing will bring him back. I know this. I have peace in Christ as to what happened and why and where he is now. But I still live in this fallen world and my mind keeps trying to make sense of it.

I'm not sleeping either. I know this is also normal, but it makes it even harder to function. We've also had at least one child up at night for the last month which isn't helping either. Micah and Hannah are having nightmares. Jason is too, only he isn't crawling in bed with us at 3am. I haven't been this sleep deprived since we had a newborn in the house.

I am searching for a counselor now. These last few weeks has stirred up so much in me that I know I need to get it out. Mike had been on me about doing this, but I kept putting it off. He knew it was important which is why he was seeing one as well. He'd be telling me it's about time if he was here to tell.

Micah is turning 4 two weeks from tomorrow. He wants a Star Wars party. He'll get one, too. It's just hard to fathom that Mike is going to not be there especially since he loved Star Wars so much. It will be hard to celebrate when someone is missing. But we will. Because Micah will demand it. "A cake and a party and presents, Mommy!" He's so full of joy at turning 4. My kids are a constant reminder of how life moves forward even when it feels like it's stopped.

Happy Birthday Hannah!

My baby girl turns 5 today! I can't believe it's been that long. Here's a look back. I tried to choose pictures I haven't used before. These are some rarely seen shots of the Boog.