A Perfect Storm

Sometimes, when your kid has a bad day you can go back and analyze it and figure out all the places things went wrong that cause the problem.

Well, yesterday we experienced a perfect storm, Jason-style.

Because Micah is sick and Hannah is recovering, I made arrangements for Jason to walk home with the daughters of our friends. Jason has walked with them in the past on occasion and while it isn't the best situation, it works most of the time. In fact, we walked friday of last week without a single problem.

Although yesterday the fourth grade celebrated Ohio's birthday by eating lots and lots of Ohio made food. All of it contained processed sugars and chemicals. Stuff we don't feed Jason. Stuff his brain reacts, um, poorly too. In my defense, I misread the sheet and thought the party was Friday. Still, it was not a good thing for Jason.

Add to the food, changing Jason's routine. Although he is a normally flexible enough guy to handle this, routine changes do increase his anxiety.

And then, as they walked away from the school, someone hit him with a snowball. A kid who has been unkind to Jason in the past. A kid Jason who bullies him.

Jason yelled in anger and went after the kid. His friend tried to stop him by grabbing his coat, thus causing Jason to feel like he was choking. This was bad. Unbeknownst to the girl, this is a HUGE PTSD trigger for Jason. What followed was not pretty.

For the remainder of the 25 minute walk home, Jason yelled, pushed, tackled and threw snow at every kid he felt was bullying him or had in the past. The boys also yelled, pushed, tackled and threw snow at him. It appears that while Jason was the first to make thing physical, the other boys certainly played their part. It was not a good thing.

Also, remember how I talked about Jason's Autism and his inability to read situations or respond to them. Jason was yelling things that didn't even make sense, things he had heard on TV, making it funnier for the kids going after him.

When Jason did get home, I could tell something was up, but it took quite a while to decode it and get to the bottom of everything. His PTSD reaction means he only has vague images and recollections of what occurred after the coat was pulled. Of course, we were upset because he knows not to fight like that. But once we pieced everything together, we began to see things in a bit differently. In fact, it was this morning when clarity set in, that I realized while my son's response was wrong, the situation with the school has reached ridiculous proportions.

So, I started making phone calls and writing emails. I became Super Activist Mom and spent the majority of the day with a phone on my ear and a keyboard under my fingers.

I heard back from the school we are considering to learn that Jason made it to the final phase of the selection process and we should have a decision after they complete some testing and meet with the committee.

I spoke with two more Autism specific programs in town and have appointments made to tour their schools and meet with the administration.

I requested a revision on his ETR to qualify him under Autism instead of OHI so we can access more services.

I am asking that transportation be added to his IEP because he cannot travel to and from school safely like his peers.

There is a lot still pending and a lot of decisions to be made in the coming month, but at least now we have a plan.

Educational Insanity

Last night I had a meeting at the school to write a new IEP and discuss the results of the latest testing.  We also spent a great deal of time brain storming how to deal with the bullying situations.  The staff at the school really likes him and find him a joy to work with.  Overall, I am happy with the results, but still have some questions.

Because at the time we started testing, Autism was not in question, they did not do any educational autism assessments.  Now, they do believe he is on the spectrum and have written a portion of his IEP to deal with pragmatic language and social skills.  In fact, this social group that he is now a part of actually meets in the specialized Autism classroom once a week.  However, because they didn't do their assessment, they couldn't take his doctor's letter at face value and qualify him under Autism for his IEP.  My concern is that he will need this qualification to get the Autism Scholarship to cover the new school if he gets in, but the school psychologist says that is not the case.  That I just need to call the district office and they will help me through the steps in getting the scholarship.  Still, I'm going to be making some phone calls today to confirm this.

In addition to being stressed and in a meeting most of yesterday evening, this morning I am taking Jason over to visit the new school.  We are still very hopeful that this will work out, but don't know anything yet. They mentioned concerns about his language scores and the "underlying cause" of his LD.  We're still hopeful though and appreciate any and all prayers as we work towards this.

Lots and lots and lots of stuff...

We have so much going on right now, my head is spinning.

First, we have been invaded by illness.  Micah and Hannah have strep throat and Andy has tonsillitis, bronchitis and pink-eye.  Jason and I are so far healthy, but I think our days are numbered.  I think I might take my friend Nancy's advice and build us a bubble.

Jason's observation by the new school admissions department went well and they are "interviewing" him on Friday morning.  So far, we have no indication of how things are going, but they do have some concerns about the underlying causes of his LD as well as his language issues.  Still, we're praying that they will at least give him a chance.

Jason's present school situation is continuing to chug along.  We have his new MFE/IEP meeting tomorrow.  He's making great progress on his goals so I don't know what he will still qualify in.  For special education parents, this can be a good and a bad thing.  We don't want to see them lose there assistance, but we also want to see them make progress.  For example, Jason is doing great in math, but it's because of how the math is being taught to him.  Put him in a regular math class and he will fall behind again.  It's a bit of a catch-22.

Jason's also still struggling socially as school.  We've had a few more incidents of bullying behavior and I have a feeling a portion of tomorrow's meeting will be devoted to talking about it.  Honestly, we are doing everything we can to work with Jason on his social skills and he is making progress.  He's in individual and small group therapy as well as participating ins social groups at school.  Yet, the game of frustrating and bating Jason continues.  I've honestly reached the end of my patience, so tomorrow's meeting should be an interesting one.

We also started doing Dave Ramsey's Financial Peace University at church.  It's a great class and we are really learning a lot.  Still, it also means that we have tightened our budget and there are no more Starbucks Fraps in my near future.  On the bright side though is we'll gain financial peace and all this eating in will make me a better cook and healthier person.

Which leads up to our final bit of news...

Andy and I are praying about adopting again.  There is still a long way for us to go on research and prayer, but it's in the open now.  The kids think it's great and Hannah is begging for a baby sister.  Right now, we're thinking it will like be a waiting child from the foster care system.  We have a lot of questions, but know that God can answer them as He has in the past.

Thoughts on a Common Problem

Throughout the past few days, I have learned quite a bit about bullying I want to share.

   

Bullying is about power.  There is always some sort of power difference between the children involve.  It may be physical, verbal, mental, racial or what not.  It's all about perception.  One or more children will use that supposed power to intimidate or exclude other children.  

The bully and the victim are not friends.  And despite how it may appear, the intent is not fun, at least not for both parties.

Kids with special needs are usually targets, especially those who look normal.  Think of it as the old analogy of picking on the weakest.  Many people will clam that kids may not be aware of a child's disability, but trust me, kids know.  

It starts at home.  We've all read this, but what does it mean.  I've found that if you look at the social patterns of the parents that you can tell a lot about how the child will handle differences.  If the parents are elitist, typically, so are the kids.  If the parents just go along with the crowd, so will the kids.  

Sadly, talking to most parents won't make a difference.  Sometimes it works, but after 6+ years of dealing with it, we've learned that most of the time there is no lasting change.

The long term impacts of bullying on a kids like Jason is huge.  He has a whole laundry list of things he deals with as it is.  All of those things make it difficult for him to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem.  He knows he is a valuable son and brother, but he doesn't get that kind of feedback from the real world.  Bullying just adds fuel to the flames that eat away at his self-image.

The Outcome

I spent much of yesterday morning pacing our upstairs and waiting for the phone to ring.  I made my initial call to the school as soon as I return home from my school drop off rounds around 8:20.  I spent much of my morning researching the districts policy on "threatening acts" and "bullying" and ignoring the other things I needed to do like clean the kitchen and set stuff out for dinner.  I was an nervous ball of energy.  Even though I have a great repore with our principal, I was still nervous about talking to her.  I wanted to be sure I sounded like a reasonable mom and not a screaming banshee.

At 10:30 I realized I had to run out and get Micah, meaning I ran the risk missing her call.  Missing her initial call could mean another 2 hours of waiting or me having to show up at her office.  Neither of which would have worked for me, so I called again to give them my cell number.  Low and behold, she was getting ready to call me and we finally connected.

I've said before that I love our school's principal, and I really mean that.  She is one of the few adults outside of our close circle of family to really try and understand Jason and what makes him tick.  She stood by us when his brother was removed and people believed that we picked the cute, younger one over the older troubled one.  She has advocated for us at the district level to enact changes in Jason's IEP that we had previously been told weren't possible.  She loves her kids and her school and really wants to partner with parents.  She's awesome.

She was also very upset when she heard what had happened.  We had discussed this as a possibility and a fear of Jason's the previous morning and at the time she felt horrible that he should even have to have that fear.  The reality of it happening even worse.  

We talked for about a half an hour about that situation and the child in question.  We also discussed Jason's social woes and how I was pretty much fed up with how kids treat him.  She was open to my ideas about handling bullying (which I must say have calmed down from the night before to things less severe than public stonings).  We also discussed some information I found that another local school was doing to counter-act bullying and that it was a program she could implement in our school.  I also forwarded her information my friend, Amie, sent me about a bully prevention in-service program a local psychologist runs.  Amie's school did it and she said it made a huge impact on her school community. She ended the call with a plan for dealing with today's incident and a better understanding of what life at the school is like for my son.  

After school, Jason's first words to me were that the girl was punished and had to apologize.  He said he felt better and now knows that he can ALWAYS talk to the teacher and principal about situations like this.  I don't think this will stop it, but I feel that at least Jason feels a little safer and a plan is in place to deal with future incidents.

And This is Funny?

Apparently, today a girl in Jason's class decided to try and step on his foot, teasing him while she did.  Making Jason freak out while she laughed.  WHAT?!?!

He did tell the teacher, who advised the girl to stop or there will be further consequences, but this is just another in a long line of situations Jason deals with.  It's bad enough that he has to focus on not hitting the unprotected toe on something, but to have to be worried that some kid will get their jollies doing it intentionally is ridiculous.

I emailed the principal and am calling the morning.

Big, bad mama is steamed!

Day Camp Dibacle

This summer Jason has spent 3 weeks at YMCA day camp. One week there, the next off and so on. This is both to give him much needed structure and activity and to give me a break. We went in with very high hopes. We are pulling him early tomorrow.

Every week has been met with it's own set of difficulties. We made sure the staff at the camp (just 10 minutes from our house) knew of Jason's special needs and that they could handle then before he went. The staff has mostly been very patient and kind in dealing with him and us.

It's the kids that are the biggest problem.

You see, Jason is a sweet naive little guy. Actually he's not so little at 10 anymore, but in truth he exists much like a 6yo does. His understanding of the world around him is very much like that of a first grader. We still struggle with fantasy and reality and if you tell him something, he will believe you. He also misreads social cues pretty regulary. And he always takes jokes and such too far in his desire to fit it. But at the heart of it all, Jason is a good, sweet, gentle kid, who just wants to be liked and doesn't understand why kids don't like him.

This week a boy had Jason convinced that aliens are real, invisible and coming to get him. This is so scary for Jason as he truly believed it. He hasn't been sleeping and last night had a horrible nightmare. We think it started as a joke, but then the kids figured out that Jason really thought it was true and have been feeding it all week. Telling him that he needed special powers to ward off the aliens and then using Jason's fear of just disappearing to get things from him all week. Add to that boys with a far too advanced knowledge of life and my kiddo was so in over his head.

Only I didn't know any of this until today, when he threw a rock at that boy. Hard. And got himself sent to the office and a note sent home to me. The camp director politely told me we should consider sending Jason to another branch with smaller numbers because he was more than they could handle.

However, during our talks with Jason this evening we found out the rest. About the aliens, the teasing and the vulgar language.

Thankfully, Jason is taking it all in stride. He is happy to know aliens aren't real, he isn't going to disappear and that he won't have to go back. He loved the creeking and the swimming and all the othr activities, but I told him no amount of fun is worth all that. He went off to band rehearsal with Andy tonight, happy as a clam. I'm glad he can let things go so easily.

I'm torn between utter sadness and guilt that I put him in this situation and complete anger that the adults in charge didn't do something and allowed this all to happen. Tomorrow, Andy is going over at lunch to speak with the camp director about everything that had been going on. I would, but it probably wouldn't be a pretty sight.

I think next summer I'll stick to VBS, the pool and play dates.