Jason is having a rough time of it lately. Despite things improving so much at school, he's continuing to struggle at home. The holidays are rough and we are very, very quickly approaching the anniversary of his brother's disruption and his adoption.
I have to say this is going better than years past. Before he couldn't put the words together and would cry and scream and be miserable, taking everyone with him.
This year, he's asking more questions and starting more conversations about his past. He's trying to understand WHY things happened the way they did. This is big since before he just wanted to know the hows and whens of things....never the reasons behind them. The hard part is it's not a happy story to tell and the whys of Jason's life are many times beyond his understanding.
And this makes Jason angry. And his safest person to throw that anger at is me. He was angry at me because he didn't like the truthful answers we were giving him.
It's a huge responsibility to have to be the emotional sounding board for your hurt child.
And honestly, sometimes I just don't handle it well. Because sometimes, the things he says hurt me. Intentionally. And sometimes on those days, I don't want to be the strong one. I want to cry and scream and rage right along with him.
Rage against the system that failed him....the foster family that forgot him....the people that abused him.....and the woman that damaged him before he took his first breath.
I want to curl up and cry and be angry at the world for hurting my baby.
But then I remember my son's love for everyone in his past and what an amazing gift that is for him to have. And I stop. And hold my son. And instead of crying for him....I cry with him...