33 years ago, my very pregnant mother asked me if I wanted a baby brother or sister. I remember clearly telling her I wanted a little brother. Later, I joke it was because I didn't want to share my toys, but the truth was that I really wanted a brother to play with. And that's what I got. A little brother who would become my friend and ally growing up.
Michael was a wicked smart and funny man. He was generous with his time and his love. He loved his family and friends greatly, and often gave much of himself to help them. He also struggled, much like I do, with depression. It was something he was open with and his support system at home often cared for him and checked in on him during the harder times. This last 6 months were hard though. He struggled with his medication and had been on 4 different ones in 6 months. Last week, his doctor doubled his dose on the latest one he was trying. Six days later, my baby brother did something I could never imagine him doing and took his own life.
I know that it wasn't my brother who did it, but rather someone suffering from a massive chemical imbalance which separated perception from reality in his mind. We believe the downhill spiral took less than 48 hours to complete itself. Then it was over and his suffering ended.
Yesterday over 200 people came out in love, support and remembrance. We shared in our tears and our laughter as we remembered Mike. I think my brother appreciated the service we planned. One including gathering music of Weezer, Tom Petty and Queen and slide show of his life put to the music of Weird Al.
I know that someday I will see my brother again. I know that he will watch my kids grown up from heaven and watch over them. I know that with Christ, I can get through this.
But I also know that my heart is broken, that my children are crying and that my life here on earth will never be the same again.
Michael, I love you and I miss you. I'll see you again someday and when I do, know that I am not angry, I am just sad it ended too soon.
2 comments:
Oh Jenny my heart just breaks for you and your mom and the rest of your family.
I had a good friend take her life and I was so angry at her for a long time, but when I finally realized that mental illness can sometimes be terminal just like cancer can sometimes be terminal it just helped me understand and forgive so much more. Sounds to me like you are already at that spot with your brother.
We are here supporting and praying for you during these unbearably hard times. Hugs to you all.
I am so sorry to hear this, I can't begin to imagine your pain. Losing a sibling is devastating and I'll pray for your eventual emotional recovery. It won't always hurt this bad, even though the loss will always affect you in many different ways.
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