Thoughts on a Common Problem

Throughout the past few days, I have learned quite a bit about bullying I want to share.

   

Bullying is about power.  There is always some sort of power difference between the children involve.  It may be physical, verbal, mental, racial or what not.  It's all about perception.  One or more children will use that supposed power to intimidate or exclude other children.  

The bully and the victim are not friends.  And despite how it may appear, the intent is not fun, at least not for both parties.

Kids with special needs are usually targets, especially those who look normal.  Think of it as the old analogy of picking on the weakest.  Many people will clam that kids may not be aware of a child's disability, but trust me, kids know.  

It starts at home.  We've all read this, but what does it mean.  I've found that if you look at the social patterns of the parents that you can tell a lot about how the child will handle differences.  If the parents are elitist, typically, so are the kids.  If the parents just go along with the crowd, so will the kids.  

Sadly, talking to most parents won't make a difference.  Sometimes it works, but after 6+ years of dealing with it, we've learned that most of the time there is no lasting change.

The long term impacts of bullying on a kids like Jason is huge.  He has a whole laundry list of things he deals with as it is.  All of those things make it difficult for him to maintain a healthy level of self-esteem.  He knows he is a valuable son and brother, but he doesn't get that kind of feedback from the real world.  Bullying just adds fuel to the flames that eat away at his self-image.

The Outcome

I spent much of yesterday morning pacing our upstairs and waiting for the phone to ring.  I made my initial call to the school as soon as I return home from my school drop off rounds around 8:20.  I spent much of my morning researching the districts policy on "threatening acts" and "bullying" and ignoring the other things I needed to do like clean the kitchen and set stuff out for dinner.  I was an nervous ball of energy.  Even though I have a great repore with our principal, I was still nervous about talking to her.  I wanted to be sure I sounded like a reasonable mom and not a screaming banshee.

At 10:30 I realized I had to run out and get Micah, meaning I ran the risk missing her call.  Missing her initial call could mean another 2 hours of waiting or me having to show up at her office.  Neither of which would have worked for me, so I called again to give them my cell number.  Low and behold, she was getting ready to call me and we finally connected.

I've said before that I love our school's principal, and I really mean that.  She is one of the few adults outside of our close circle of family to really try and understand Jason and what makes him tick.  She stood by us when his brother was removed and people believed that we picked the cute, younger one over the older troubled one.  She has advocated for us at the district level to enact changes in Jason's IEP that we had previously been told weren't possible.  She loves her kids and her school and really wants to partner with parents.  She's awesome.

She was also very upset when she heard what had happened.  We had discussed this as a possibility and a fear of Jason's the previous morning and at the time she felt horrible that he should even have to have that fear.  The reality of it happening even worse.  

We talked for about a half an hour about that situation and the child in question.  We also discussed Jason's social woes and how I was pretty much fed up with how kids treat him.  She was open to my ideas about handling bullying (which I must say have calmed down from the night before to things less severe than public stonings).  We also discussed some information I found that another local school was doing to counter-act bullying and that it was a program she could implement in our school.  I also forwarded her information my friend, Amie, sent me about a bully prevention in-service program a local psychologist runs.  Amie's school did it and she said it made a huge impact on her school community. She ended the call with a plan for dealing with today's incident and a better understanding of what life at the school is like for my son.  

After school, Jason's first words to me were that the girl was punished and had to apologize.  He said he felt better and now knows that he can ALWAYS talk to the teacher and principal about situations like this.  I don't think this will stop it, but I feel that at least Jason feels a little safer and a plan is in place to deal with future incidents.

And This is Funny?

Apparently, today a girl in Jason's class decided to try and step on his foot, teasing him while she did.  Making Jason freak out while she laughed.  WHAT?!?!

He did tell the teacher, who advised the girl to stop or there will be further consequences, but this is just another in a long line of situations Jason deals with.  It's bad enough that he has to focus on not hitting the unprotected toe on something, but to have to be worried that some kid will get their jollies doing it intentionally is ridiculous.

I emailed the principal and am calling the morning.

Big, bad mama is steamed!

Post Traumatic Ramblings

This morning started like so many.  Well, not so many really.  Jason was staying home from school again  since he'd thrown up less than 24 hours before and Andy stayed home from work because I felt like I was coming down with whatever Jason had.  Andy ran Micah to school and set the older two in front of the TV while he was gone.

Here is where it gets interesting.  As I lay in my bed bemoaning the pain in my stomach, I heard Hannah yell, not one, but twice "JASON! You are NOT allowed to do that!"  Obviously, something was afoot, so I went downstairs to investigate. What I found was a very guilty looking son, a triumphant daughter and a stack of toys in front of the wall unit DIRECTLY BELOW THE HALLOWEEN CANDY.

Not jury necessary, my son's face was proof enough.

Sent to his room until Daddy could get home, I reminded him that being mad Hannah or ratting him out was not the solution and returned to bed.  Andy comes home, gets a retelling from both Hannah and me and heads into Jason's room.  He aid the conversation was short and to the point, but it definitely covered the fact that he could have been seriously injured had the wall unit fallen.

It wasn't 5 minutes later that we heard a large THUMP! and the Jason start to cry.  He hobbled out of him room, blood dripping from his toe.  He'd taken the end off his big toe and from the looks of it, it wasn't something I could handle at home.

You see, when Jason is angry, he is either angry at the world or angry at himself.  He's getting better and better at realizing that it's his choices that cause him troubles, but it's concerning to us how he handles it.  Investigation of the incident showed that Jason had thrown away his trophies (a common action for him because he doesn't believe he's a good kid) and there was a spot in the middle of his floor dabbed with blood and a tiny stuffed basketball across the room.  He'd tried to take his considerable anger out the toy, but missed.  OUCH!

A quick call to the our pediatrician sends up to Urgent Care.  This time the one at Children's since it opened at 8am.  There we are told that they can't do stitches (WHAT?!?) and are sent on our merry way to the ER.  The one place I ad been trying to avoid since I saw what he did.

Jason does not like ERs.  Heck, I don't think anyone does, but he has some serious trauma associated with them.  When he was 5, he severely injured his finger and nearly lost it.  He was in shock and fine until he saw us walking up to the ER doors.  Then he started screaming, grabbed my leg and begged saying. "I'll be good! Please! I'll be good! Don't send me away! PLEASE!"

Talk about heartbreak.  He's obviously been there a few times with foster siblings during the 4 years he was in care.  Children's is a primary hospital in the area for kids in the system as all of their services are covered by medicaid.  He'd apparently seen a kid(s) go in and never come out.  That's not uncommon, especially if there are psychiatric incidents and the foster parents feel it's too much.  His home was licensed for 6 foster kids and from my understanding, lots of kids came and went there.  Foster parents are, in general, awesome.  But Jason's situation wasn't the best and a lot went on there that he still can't talk about since he so little.  But the trauma of it all was lasting.  Just this morning at the mention of a possible ER trip, he started to cry.  Post traumatic stress is a powerful thing.

Jason, a week after he smashed his finger

Anyway, to the ER we went, although by the grace of God I just walked through the hospital to get there.  He was calmer and entering a different way with me talking to him and reassuring him made a big difference.

The visit took nearly 4 hours.  His foot was x-rayed, cleaned and stitched.  I used our Nintendo DS to keep him still and occupied for the long waits.  In the end he as a nasty laceration with 4 stitches in it.  The process was long, painful and traumatic for us both.  He cried like a infant when they numbed it and I had to force eye-contact to calm him down.  He gets to wear a special shoe for a while until it heals enough to put in a shoe.  There is, apparently, a coolness factor to that for 10 year old boy.

Sadly, starting tomorrow I have to clean it twice a day which will cause more pain to my son.  Hopefully it won't cause a downward spiral because I am sure that it will remind him of us doing it to his hand years ago, when he wanted to be here, but fought with all his might against it because he was sure we wouldn't want him.

The injured foot as bandaged by the ER.

Random Bits of Nothing

Just another collection of the randomness of our lives...

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During a conversation yesterday about using kind words with her friends, I asked Hannah what kind of heart she had.  She'd been a bit snarky with her friends, and wouldn't clean up the toys when we all headed in for the night.

Her reply was to burst tears and say, "I have a Jesus heart!"

I didn't feel the need to say anything else as she seemed to have it covered at that point.  So I just hugged here tight and tried not to cry myself.
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Micah's sensory seeking self has taken a recent swing.  He's been avoiding stuff and has even thrown up when asked to touch certain foods to his tongue.  Mealtimes have become the stuff of nightmares and I have been at a complete loss.

Last night, we gave him "safe" foods on a divided plate.  He did have the same veggies as us, although he were raw.  No tears.  No screaming.  I actually enjoyed dinner for the first time in weeks.  YEAH!

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Jason came home sick today.  When I took him to school this morning, he said his stomach hurt, but he had no fever or any other symptom and a big test.  I felt the test may have been reason for the stomach so I opted to send him.

At 9:30 they called because he was lethargic and had thrown up.

Looks like I was wrong.  I don't think this is the same bug from the weekend, which is worrying since I AM TIRED OF SICK PEOPLE!!!

After a long nap this afternoon he is cuddled on the couch holding the infamous bucket and watching Spy Kids with Micah.
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We finally finished moving the old computer desk to the garage and listed it on Craigslist.  This also involved a cleaning out of the back room.

My once organized garage is once again filled with stuff to be donated or sold and large piles of cardboard for recycling.   I'm hoping I can get it all out of here this weekend.

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I do NOT like daylight savings time.  Yes, the kids may get up earlier, but I love my evenings outside with them.  When it is DARK at 6pm, it's hard to foster that neighborly feeling we've been working on.

Looks like we need to move some wood out front to the fire pit if we're going to be out after dinner anymore.

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If you live in Ohio, it's a voting day.  In addition to several statewide constitutional issues, our school district has a major levy on the ballot that will change the shape of our district if it fails.

Hannah and I hit the polls early (before Jason came home), and she really enjoyed pushing the buttons.

If you haven't already, head to the polls!

Another Perspective

We have also always talked about Jason's adoption story.  At 5, Hannah has only a vague idea of what adoption is.  Her basic understanding is that Jason was born to another mommy before he came here.   She knows that he has a "mamawl" that he lived with for a while as well as brothers she doesn't know except in pictures.  Only recently, she began to ask more questions, seeking, I assume, to fill in the blanks in her head.

It's been interesting to watch Hannah gather information and piece together just how and where and why babies come into the world.  She'll ask one question then seemingly drop the subject only to pick it up again 2 weeks later.  She'll continue to ask questions until she feels she has enough information.  Then she stops, thinks on it for a while and asks some more later.  It's kind of fun to watch. 

One morning after dropping her brothers off at school, she asked me why Jason didn't live with W.  That is a hard question to give to a 5yo who's knowledge of the world does not include abuse, neglect and foster care.  I told her in the most basic of terms that his birth mommy wasn't able to take care of him when he was born because she didn't know how to be a good mommy to him.  I explained that sometimes when that happens, kids live with other mommies for a while called foster mommies.  Jason lived for a long time with his foster mommy, M, while W tried to become a better mommy for him.  Then when Jason was 4, he left M to come and live forever with us because W couldn't be the mommy Jason needed and M wanted Jason to have a forever mommy.  This was Jason didn't have to worry about moving anymore and Daddy and I would be his mommy and daddy forever.  

I did not extrapolate on Jason's feelings about all of this, but simply delivered it as facts knowing that more questions would come.  All of this was told in very 5 year old terms and nearly all the information was because of Hannah's continued "Whys?"

By the time I had answered all the questions we had arrived home and were taking off coats.  Hannah looked fairly troubled and then burst into tears.  I expected her cries to be about her or Micah being taken away or something of that sort.  What came out of her mouth floored me.

"I'm just so sad that all that happened to Jason!!!"

She threw herself in my arms and sobbed.  She clung to me and asked me why anyone would hurt her big brother and why couldn't he have just come out of my tummy and never been hurt.  She cried for what seemed like hours, and I being the emotional woman I am, cried too.  I couldn't answer her question any more that I could answer it when Jason asks it.

When I picked up Jason from school that afternoon, I pulled him aside and told him about the conversation I had with Hannah and her reaction.  I made sure he understood that I didn't share any of his details, but just the basic timeline and that it had been rather upsetting to Hannah.  I wanted him to be aware in case she asked him any questions and told him he could always just direct her to me or Daddy if he didn't feel like talking.  Jason, without my prompting, went immediately to Hannah, hugged her and told her that she shouldn't be sad because he wasn't.  He didn't like the idea of her feeling any of his pain.

There are times I can't believe how blessed I am to have the children I do.  They care so much about each other and love each other so very much.

It Came From the Golden Arches

[Warning: Do NOT read if you have a sensitive stomach.]

We are never going to a McDonald's Playplace again.  In desperation of our busy schedule, we went there for dinner Tuesday night.  Things were fine Wednesday.  Sometime in the middle of the night Thursday, Micah needed changed.  At this point, we thought it was simply from too much candy Trick-or-Treating.  Friday, he had another blow out at school and felt warm when I picked him up.

Another blow-out during lunch confirmed my worst fear...Rotavirus.

If you don't know what this is then consider yourself blessed.  Those who do know of the horrors that lay in store.

A quick temperature check confirmed that both Micah and Hannah had low grade fevers.  Throughout the afternoon and evening, Micah's poor body continues to fight the good fight while Mommy continued to change diapers, do laundry and apply diaper cream.  Nothing I have seen tears up a bottom quite like this virus.  Hannah was simply a bit lethargic, but no other symptoms appeared.

Friday night was the stuff nightmares are made of.  Around 11:30pm, Hannah came in saying her tummy hurt.  We put her on the potty, but as a precaution, I grabbed our puke-bowl from under the sink.  (Yes we have one.  After it's initial use years ago I couldn't ever see myself storing food in that Rubbermaid container again.)  I'm glad I did too.  It turned out the virus was going to manifest itself opposite of how it did in Micah and poor Hannah started vomiting.  I lost count of how many times we were up with her last night, but I know she missed the bowl and the toilet at least 3 rounds.  Sometime around 6am the last round happened and my baby girl was able to drift off to a fretful sleep.

Unfortunately, I was getting sick by now.  Andy let me sleep and I emerged late in the morning.  The kids were doing better, although still feeling yucky.  The went down for naps easily at Noon and slept till 4pm.  Jason was bored to death most of the afternoon, because mom and dad just aren't cool to hang with and his siblings are his primary playmates.

Evening was better and although I was in the throws of it, the two little kids were feeling better.  I also felt well enough to count back to when we got this.  Incubation time matches out trip to MickeyDs.  Drive-thru it will be then.  Everyone in bed by 9pm and a good nights sleep ahead of us, I figured we had beat this thing.

Until a few minutes ago.

Jason has it now.  (And I want to point out that a dramatic, anxious sick 10yo is no piece of cake.)

Looks like Andy is going solo to church this morning.